Up until now, you might be forgiven for believing that my wife and I are the only members of our familial nucleus. Not so. Currently occupying the number two spot in the Marwaha Clan is Lili, our little dog.
Lili and I have a continuing battle to cement our hierarchy in our own favour. Right now, it’s not clear who is winning but I think I have managed to at least convince her that since I have been married to her ‘mother’ for over three years – I am unlikely to be going anywhere. She seems to have accepted this – or at least I have taken the way in which she points her ass at me all the time as some sign that she acknowledges my presence.
Today is the first day that my wife is peeing on a stick. The ‘stick’ in question is the Ovulation Test that we purchased, clandestinely, from Walgreens. The device is individually wrapped and seems quite simple to use. We decided that her best chance of getting the results accurately would be to ‘do the deed’ in the morning. The test requires that you wait four hours between pees for the best results – since my wife’s bladder is one of the smallest on the planet, her best shot is just after she wakes up.
She disappeared into the bathroom and skipped back into the bedroom only a few moments later.
“That was quick.” I said, still in bed. Lili was lying next to me – one of the only times she lets me touch her is in the morning for her daily ‘massage’.
“Que pendejo!” She replied. “ I just pee’d on it. I have to wait for the result.”
ASIDE: You know when you see women being quite short with their man in public and sometimes other men say, ‘Let’s see what she’s like when they get home!’… When you marry a Puerto Rican girl, they are the same at home and in public.
ASIDE ASIDE: Pendejo (said pen-day-ho) is not the nicest word but I have actually come to find it quite familiar now.
Now, the idea of peeing on a stick is not disgusting to me – in fact, I find it quite interesting; educational even. But the thought of someone peeing on something and then bringing it to bed is something else entirely.
My wife placed the stick on the bed covers and then we both pretended to forget about it while we watched a West Wing re-run on Bravo.
Now, perhaps it was the faint scent of pee or the curious white plastic object in our bed – but Marwaha Clan member number two decided to jump up, grab the stick and scamper away with it. By the time we managed to retrieve it from Lili's mouth, it no longer was a stick – it looked more like a chewed up drink-straw.
Needless to say, today’s test has taught us a lot.
We’ll try again tomorrow.
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