A little knowledge is a dangerous and worrying thing.

My head is going to explode!
Aside from well-meaning-gay-friends, board-certified-obstetricians or that-bearded-guy-from-CSI, no man should know this much about the female reproductive system.



The new year being what it is, my wife took this as her chance to have me turn over a new leaf. The leaf in question was quite large and heavy and had the word, BREED, spray painted in varicolored graffiti on it's waxy, green surface.
To me, this means getting down and dirty at fairly regular intervals but I have since learned that, as with all things that involve the fairer sex, there is a process.

I have learned that women are cyclical creatures. (Men: GASP)
Yes, indeed, but not in the way that men are. (Women: Sigh in frustration as some man is trying to even steal cyclic patterns from women)

Men, too, can be rhythmic creatures that feel the ebb and flow of celestial bodies in a spiritual way. We are highly complex animals that require constant care and monitoring if we are to be groomed and nurtured. (Men: Cheer as one of our number finally stands up for us)
However, a man's cycle is slightly more immediate than the female one. For instance, a man's cyclic period is slightly shorter - running at between three and six hours. Coincidentally, it is usually the same length of time between meals.
Also, men are fierce creatures of habit. Just two mornings ago I awoke and used the bathroom in my normal way. I then turned to the sink and reached out with my right hand for my toothbrush. My fingers closed on thin air. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that my toothbrush was, in fact, on my left side in a nice new mug-like-contraption-that-was-hot-pink. Well, the ensuing confusion and mute zombie-like-wanderings that followed almost threatened to de-rail my day.

I, of course, recognize that a woman's cycle is something more complex. (Women: Wow! Thanks for nothing)
Aside from the fact that anything involving women is always more complicated, I will concede that the average man has trouble planning two meals ahead, let alone a month in advance. The idea of being conscious of something and being attentive to that point for a month at a time is unfathomable to a man. Obviously, the monthly cycle is something that all men know about but I tell you this, oh daughters of Venus, very few of them have given this much more thought than how to avoid you-and-discussions-and-arguments-and-scoldings-and-thrown-frying-pans during that time.

I have had to think about this quite a lot for the last week.
A woman's cycle comes into play quite heavily when you want to have kids. But my troubles didn't start with charts and calculations and websites. My troubles started in Walgreens.

My wife's mother works at Walgreens. She is a pharmacist and a damn fine connection to have in times of need. This was NOT a time of need, though. My wife and I had come to the agreement that we would keep our baby-creating antics secret until we were successful and our efforts could fail at the first hurdle if my mother-in-law caught me in the 'female aisle'. (Men: There's a female aisle in Walgreens?)

My wife asked me (it was a Puerto Rican request - which roughly equates to an American order) for something called an OF-FEW-LAY-SHUN TEST.
Curiously she wrote it down for me and spelt it wrong - Ovulation Test.

 I chose to go to another Walgreens. Walgreens not having reached the geo-supremacy of Starbucks had another branch a shocking 1.5 miles away. I took a circuitous route, avoiding open spaces and main roads and parked some distance from the main doors.
Once inside, I perused the many aisles making sure to pick up and examine the odd bottle of body soap, shampoo or Cheez Whizz. (Men: Hot damn, Walgreens has Cheez Whizz?)
The female aisle was towards the back. I skirted the appliances, chocolate aisle and vitamin supplements and found what I was looking for between tampons and pregnancy tests.

Feeling like a teenager buying rubbers, I made it to the checkout and did my best 'responsible adult' face while the assistant rang it up. As I handed her my card, she glanced at my ring finger.
I have pretty large fingers. I say this because I use a keyboard all the time and my wedding ring rubs hideously on my skin - hence, my naked finger. The look she gave me was, 'Oh, you're very modern about this!'

Another curious point with the male cycle is their response to high stress situations. Any amount of stress, like the choice of clothes in the morning or people speaking to them, will result in the need to split the day in two. I find that my day goes more smoothly if I can indulge in a short nap in the afternoon. Walgreens pushed me into a two hour nap - or in real terms - a double Law and Order.

That was my last nap where I didn't dream about charts and numbers that add to 28.
First, my wife mapped out her cycle in a very friendly yellow agenda.
Then, she calculated her 'mean' average cycle length.
Consulted the provided chart.
Subtracted 20 from the mean and added half of the number of tests you have.
(Men: Wha...?)
(Women: Ah! You bought the Walgreens own brand 7 test kit for $18.99!)
Consulted the provided chart.
Searched online for verification.
Consulted the onlinetools.
Checked against the chart.
Mapped out the ovulation period in the friendly agenda, with just enough space for notes as we continued.
Lastly, she leaned over and nudged me from my nap (just as the final dung-dung sound announced the end of Law and Order).
"Okay. I'm done. I've calculated my cycle." she said, triumphantly.
I chomped the sleep from my dry mouth and replied, "Great." Then, realizing that we had been talking about 'cycles', asked, "Is there any of that pasta left from last night?"