Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my father's birthday.

He passed away when I was 20 years old, exactly 15 years ago, and still fills my thoughts and memories. He was an undeniably powerful character for me. For many years, in the grips of my own rebellion, I struggled to differentiate myself from him and in doing so, step from out of that large shadow. As a man, and soon to be father, I am at peace with the fact that I am more like him now than I have ever been. With the acceptance, I think I understand him more deeply than I ever have.

Fatherhood is already having an effect upon me.

Although I myself was not aware of the date, my subconscious had me dreaming of my father. So real, the visions mixed with that ever-present scent of aftershave and cigarettes so that his image stayed with me long after I opened my eyes. It is always this way. I always dream of him on the 21st of April.

Today, I was struck by the thought that he is with me.
I have been considered by many as someone with 'an angel on my shoulder'. It never occurred to me that this angel might be known to me. I am not so soppy as to mean that his ghost rides around with me - but I have a real sense that all of his work, all of his love, all of his struggles, battles, betrayals and joys were endured and taken gladly in the hope that his sons would prosper.
We both watched, and sadly judged, as our father excelled, fell, excelled and fell again. While he excelled, he was popular and loved - in falling, you fall alone. Our lessons were learned the hard way and our fears were held closer for the lessons.
I think I never understood his choices and decisions until I felt that first stirring of anxiety at becoming a father. I regret he will not be here for my child's birth - not only for the baby's loss of a grandparent but for that bond I will never have with a man that shaped me and continues to weigh heavily upon me.

Happy Birthday Dad. Watch on, Veej, exciting times!